It’s hard to tell people in a gist what the hell I’m studying. I don’t know it myself. Before lunch I’m staring at syntax trees, and after, I am trying to comprehend abstract theories, right now on material culture.My mind is pixelated. I can’t seem to zoom out of these pixels and see the bigger picture. I wake up, and my mind is elsewhere. All I ever want to do is be a loyal, pet goat, eat some grass, and be there for people who take care of me. I want to be that strongly rooted tree that never gets destroyed by whatever storm that hits it. That is my goal in life. So it’s hard to relate this goal back to syntax trees that people you care for, don’t really care about. It’s hard to explain the philosophies when I don’t even listen to myself when I speak, and feeding off the facial reactions when I speak, makes me even more insecure. I’m not smart enough to be in uni. I just want to be a pet goat. Well, there is a kick in solving syntactical structures of sentences (i’m such a nerd-_-), and writing an essay that makes you sound a little bit intelligent. But I have absolutely no control over school, I’m running out of brain capacity, I’m erasing more important stuff, that i think really matter to me, to make space for academic information. Hmmmmmm…
End of the world? revolutions bit by bit, I see it in my world, somehow, in some ways, I see the alienated, desolate gaze in people who really care. they’re fighting against power forces that are not just institutionalised, that are not just in bureaucratic systems of the state, but in people who don’t care, who are everywhere, people who only have time for themselves, people who are around them, their friends, their family. I sympathise with the revolutionist, because I think I’m one of those who care only for myself, and being aware of this, makes me feel that I have zero control in life.
